Digging up the Bones long thought Buried

A year ago my beloved pup Dixie died. It was absolutely painful and life-changing. I thought I had processed it enough, but life marches on and when you put one foot in front of the other, before you know it you’ve walked away from what needs to be felt even more.

I could feel the twinges of grief stirring as I neared the anniversary date of her death. A year ago prior to her death, I found myself with a broken sesamoid bone in my right foot. I was struggling to take a step forward as I knew that very soon my steps would be without my healing companion. She had been a constant on my awakening and healing journey.

Last week I stepped funny and felt this odd click in my left foot. Within hours it was red and, hot and swollen. It was like groundhog’s day but on my left foot.  To make matters crazier, my three remaining pups dug the remains of Dixie up. We woke to jawbones in the living room and spinal sections throughout the whole house. I was just shocked. It had been a year. It wasn’t like her grave had just been exposed, it was the same way the entire time. 

I could feel the pain, grief and sadness, and trauma bubbling up as I cleaned up bones. The next day my left shoulder froze and I knew I needed some help with the body. I have a chiropractor that thinks outside the box and assists me with the physical and energetic process of embodiment.

He started working with my form and getting it to open and as he worked on the shoulder and back heart chakra area, I felt a crack. It wasn’t like bone-cracking, it was like a crack in a dam that I knew was going to eventually cause the entire structure to come down.

When I got home, I laid in the sun to journey. I went to my usual spots to connect with my galactic groups, guides, and to my highest aspect. Yet it didn’t feel right. I was frustrated as I was wanting connection and comfort. I heard  “Go within your body, that is where you are needed now.”

I began deep breathing and sinking deeper and deeper into myself, falling down a spiral. I hit the bottom and found myself in a pitch-black room. I asked for help and Archangel Jophiel came in with a white taper candle. I joked and asked her why she just didn’t light the place up. She smiled and said that she couldn’t, but that I could.

I took the candle and held it out from me surveying the room. I was shocked how much was in there. I saw my dad who’s been gone for 21 years, I saw my grandparents, I saw my mom, though she’s still physically present on earth she’s really not mentally with us anymore. I saw moments, memories, places, and things I had allowed to disempower me, keeping me from my fullest self. I even saw these beings that used to terrify me when I was a child, standing in the back of the room.

This place was my personal chamber of grief, sadness, and pain. Full of memories locked away to only poke their head out when something forces it open, like my dog being dug up. Considering how much inner child and shadow work I have done through the years, I was truly surprised at what still needed to be seen. It was time for me to deal with all that I let disempower me. 

I spent the next few hours cleaning that room. I got hugs from my grandparents and words of encouragement as I set each one free. I no longer needed to carry them in this box of pain and grief. I came to terms that it was okay to grieve a parent that is still physically here but mentally gone. I said my goodbyes and I love you’s. I gave gratitude for those moments that hurt me but taught me. Expressing gratitude even for the deepest pain allowed the lesson to come into my awareness. It allowed me to see the why, the bigger picture, and be awed at this entire process.

 

While I was doing all this deep inner work and feeling like I was really digging into my hidden pain, there was this fly driving me up a wall. So I decided to go inside to the couch. The fly followed me. I went down to my bedroom and the FLY FOLLOWED ME! I was so frustrated. I messaged a girlfriend who asked what the fly made me feel and I said “anger, frustration, rage!” She said, “duh that’s its job, let it all out!”  So I did, I lost my mind. So grateful I was alone because it was an ugly cry complete with yelling at the top of my lungs.  When I was done, my shoulder no longer hurt, my body felt loose as if I had taken off the weight of the world and the fly was GONE! Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is allow ourselves the space to rage and let it all out without judgment. 

I went back into the space within my body. I faced those beings that scared me as a child. I went up really close and realized that they were just old faded pictures. I tore the pictures up and when I did I realized that they were covering huge windows. The light began to pour into the room, yet it was still filtered by dust and heaviness. I washed the windows and looked around. The room was much smaller now, brighter and it looks like a completely different space.

Only two were left. My dad and Dixie. My dad was standing there holding up the ceiling. I realized then just how small the room had become. My dad looked at me and smiled and said “We will hold the space for as long as you need it”

I sat on the floor and let Dixie come into my lap. I let all of that pain out. The more I sat with it the more I realized that the core wound is Separation.

So many of us bring in that feeling of being disconnected, abandoned, or left when we come into this experience. When another leaves this experience and our physical awareness, it triggers this core wound of separation and disconnection.  The only way to heal this core wound of abandonment, separation, and disconnection is for us to reconnect with all we are. ALL OF YOU, the wounded, the crazy, sad, angry, lost, traumatized, AND the amazing, incredible, powerful, and Divine parts. As we reconnect all that we are within, we then heal from the separation from ALL THAT IS.